


A Castle Carol

by Sira



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 06:44:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sira/pseuds/Sira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Christmas Eve and Kate receives some 'visitors'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Castle Carol

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CF (canadianfolk)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadianfolk/gifts).



> All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Thank you, CF for trusting me to write an okay story.  
> Thank you, Sue for looking it over for me. I owe you!!!  
> All remaining mistakes are MINE.

New York looked different under the blanket of snow which covered everything, from the buildings, to the trees, the cars, the people. For a  moment in time it lent the city an aura of fake innocence before the pure white would turn to brown sludge and remind people snow was more of an annoyance than a reason to celebrate.

  
Today though, on Christmas Eve, it had people smile, point upward. On her way home, Beckett saw children throwing snow balls at each other, one elderly couple dancing to a tune only they could hear, as well as several couples arm in arm surely on their way to cosy homes.

  
There had been a time when she had loved Christmas season, the lights, the merriment, the snow. Back then she had used to skate in front of the Rockefeller Centre, had sat on Santa’s lap at Macy’s, had counted the day until Christmas.

  
That was a long time ago. Nowadays Christmas was a day like any other, maybe even a bit more trying.   
Her hands stuffed into the pockets of her coat, her head bend so her face wouldn’t be hit by the full gust of wind and snow, she only wanted to get home. Tomorrow she’d have dinner with her father, smile and pretend to be happy. Tonight, she’d have a drink or two or three and try to forget.

  
She passed a tiny church, small and timid amidst all these towering buildings of Manhattan, not hearing the choir singing the Carol Of The Bells. If she had, it would have only made her more bitter. It had been the favourite Christmas song of her mother, would always remind Kate of a time when her life had been whole.

  
Finally home, she quickly stripped out of her snow covered coat, put it into her bathroom to dry, putting her shoes under the heater. In her jeans and sweater, she made her way to the kitchen where she got a bottle of bourbon out of a cabinet.

  
For a moment she let her gaze wander around her apartment. No, there was nothing to remind one of the season, no lights, no candles, nothing. It was better that way. The alcohol burned its way down her throat, the heat and sting welcome. Glass in hand, she walked over to her couch, picked up the novel lying on her couch table and traded her reality for a different one. She loved crime novels, the eternal question of who did it and why. It was on part of why she still was a cop. There was the welcome difference that while reading, people’s pain and suffering couldn’t touch her. She liked it that way.

  
Almost half a book and three glasses of bourbon later, she fell asleep, worn out. Her sleep was uneasy, her dreams revolving around the day she got shot. There it was again, the terror she felt, the pain, the wish to stay alive. Then there was Castle telling her he loved her, then nothing. Nothing. Not only that day but all the days that followed. She couldn’t confront the fact she had heard him, couldn’t tell him the truth that she loved him back. It was as if a part of herself was still stuck in a dark place, unable to break free.

  
Day after day, going in to work, she felt her relationship with Castle cool down. How long would it take him until he withdrew for good, worn out by her constant rebuffs, her refusal to crack as much as a smile to give him hope there was something to salvage after all.

  
She rolled over on the couch, woke up. She was cold, having fallen asleep without a blanket. The room was dark, although it hadn’t been when she had fallen asleep. Who had switched off the light? Her throat constricted, and her heart beat faster as terror flood her veins, the cop instinct kicking in the very same moment. Someone had to be in here.

  
She looked around, glad that New York never really was dark, her eyes slowly getting used to the dim lighting around her.

  
“I’m here.”

  
The voice, so well known, was a shock. She whirled around, shocked to see Roy Montgomery leaning against the doorframe of her living room. He was dead. Dammit, she had almost died the day they had buried him.

  
“Who are you? What do you want?”

  
She wished she had her weapon with her, although it seemed whoever that person was had come unarmed.

  
“You know who I am.”

  
She didn’t, shook her head, when she noticed this... person was glowing from within, giving it a translucent pallor. It looked like a... No, she wouldn’t go there. That the thought had even entered her mind told her she had spent too much time with Castle. She could all but see him, making faces,

whispering boo and telling her there were more things going on around them than she liked to believe.

  
“Again. Who are you? If you don’t answer me right now...”

  
“Don’t threaten me, Kate. I know your eyes work well. I am who I was.  And to answer your questions, yes, I’m dead. You can call me a ghost, but let’s not talk semantics now. I came here to utter a warning.”

  
She blinked once, twice, but the apparition remained where it was. He couldn’t be real. She didn’t believe in ghosts. Never had, never would. Damn, he should really visit Castle. She was sure he’d love to see what promised to be a real ghost. The second thought of Castle in less than a minute caused the usual pang of regret and hurt. She missed Castle, the way things used to be, but she couldn’t be who she used to be, and she knew there was no way back. If she only knew how to move forward.

  
“What kind of warning?” she asked, wondering if she was simply still asleep.

  
“Do you know a Christmas Carol?”

  
She huffed out a laugh. “Sure. And now you’re going to tell me I’m going to get three shiny visitors, trying to scare me out of my wits so I’ll become a better human being and will find my happy ending after all.”

  
The ghost, Montgomery or whoever, smiled.

  
“You always were a smart cop with an even smarter mouth. Although it got worse with Castle, you know. But yes, you're right. That’s what I came to tell you.”

  
He stepped closer, and she realised she could see right through him.

  
“Kate, don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t hide behind secrets that will become too much to bear. Don’t follow the course of revenge, forgetting about your own life in the course. There’s so much to live for. Enjoy it while you have it. You deserve happiness.”

  
As if knowing she would only protest, he left without another glance, simply disappearing when he turned, walked through her doorframe.

  
For a long while she sat unmoving, lost in thoughts, wondering if she had lost her mind. Montgomery. Her mentor, a friend, someone she thought she had known better than she actually had. He had lied to her, knew something about the very thing that was still tearing her heart apart – the death of her mother – and still, he had protected her, had died? tried saving her life.

  
In life, he hadn’t been a perfect man, but a good one, a good cop. There were still times she missed him, although she knew she were likely to slap him if he was standing in front of her right now. He had. Although, it hadn’t been Montgomery, had it? What else then? A ghost? They didn’t exist.

  
If that had been a bad prank though, who had executed it and why? Her head began to hurt, and she realized it for what it was, the onset of a hangover. Walking over to her bathroom, avoiding switching on the lights, she blindly reached for some aspirin, swallowed them without water, a habit her mother had found curious.

  
When she made her way to bed a few minutes later, she refused to think about what the apparition had said. There wouldn’t be three ghosts to visit her. This was a story, one told around Christmas time, and it was not based on any fact.

  
She wasn’t a Scrooge either. A bit bitter, maybe, but she was still doing her job, was still standing up for victims to the best of her ability. That she didn’t feel like any Christmas cheer, so what?

  
The mental image of Castle came to her mind unbidden and unwanted, yet she couldn’t shake it, quite like the man himself. Whatever she did, he was there. Although would he be there for much longer? She knew his patience with her was running thin.

  
She cuddled into bed, shivered when she didn’t find any warmth but only cold sheets.

  
Only two days ago, Castle had entered the squad room with a mistletoe in hand, a hopeful gleam in his eyes. It didn’t quite dim the trace of sadness around his lips, but for a few seconds it had felt as if the old Castle had been back with them.  He had walked up to her, looked at the mistletoe, dared her to kiss him. She had been disappointed and glad at the same time when the phone rang, sparing her the need to answer.  What would she have done? She would never find out, although knowing herself it was likely she’d brushed him off. Again. Sometimes it felt as if all she could do was hurting him even if it wasn’t her intention.

  
She smiled when she remembered, Esposito leaning in to Castle, pursing his lips. The look on Castle’s face had been priceless.

  
With a sign, she turned on her side, looked at her alarm clock. A few minutes left until the clock would strike one. Well, only good she didn’t believe in ghosts or she would have to get up again in a few minutes.

  
   
The knock was faint, took a moment to register with her drowsy mind. Her eyes opened, and the first thing she saw was her alarm clock telling her it was one o’ clock on the minute. What the hell. There was the knock again. She sat up again, the moment, the door to her bedroom opened. Her heart constricted, tears welling up in her eyes at the sight of her mother entering. She couldn’t be that drunk, could she?

  
Although then she realized, her mother’s body was as translucent as Montgomery’s had been.

  
Another ghost? No, ghosts didn’t exist, end of story. Only that she wanted this ghost to be real, wanted this to be her mother.

  
“Mom?” she croaked, cleared her throat.

  
“Hello, darling. It’s good to see, although I would have liked it to be under different circumstances.”

  
“Mom, what are you doing here? How are you? You’re dead, right? Are you alright? And who did this to you? I’m trying to find out for years, but…”

  
Tears were streaming down her face, while she couldn’t stop talking, rambling, really.  Her mother made a hushing sound, came over, sat down on the edge of her bed. Kate wanted to reach out, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to feel a thing.

  
“Mom? Please tell me...”

  
Her mother held up her hands.

  
“Don’t ask me questions I’m not allowed to answer, Kate. This is not about my death, but about your life, although the two of them se

em to have become the same. That’s not healthy, honey. That’s not what I want for you, and you know it.”  
“But… I need to find out…”

  
“Quiet, Kate.”

  
God, she hadn’t missed that tone of voice. It still made her feel like a reckless five year old that had been found out snacking on cookies her mother had hidden in the kitchen cabinet.

  
“Mom…”

  
“You’re slowly but surely killing yourself, Kate, and I won’t allow this. There’s more to life than revenge. No matter what you do, I won’t come alive again. I don’t want you to end up bitter, alone, eaten by guilt and remorse. Come with me, there’s something I have to show to you.”

  
Kate snorted. “What? Are you playing the ghost of Christmas past.”

  
Her mother smiled. “Don’t be so petulant, Katie. It doesn’t suit you. And there’s only one way to find out, isn’t there?”

  
She offered Kate her hand. After a moment of hesitation Kate reached out, and the second she made contact, the world around her changed. She was not longer in her apartment, it was not longer night. It was a grey afternoon and she was at her parent’s apartment, standing in the doorway of her old room. She could see her younger self, lying on her stomach on the bed, propped up on her elbows, browsing through an old family album.  
“Katie, don’t you want to join us?” she heard the voice of her father from behind her.

  
She didn’t answer. What was there to celebrate anyway? The rooms looked the same they did every year, decorated with love and care, her father had even tried his hands on cookies, still, his heart hadn’t been in it.  
Neither was hers. Her mother was dead, their family life was gone, no, there was nothing to be cheerful about. She loved her dad, was thankful he was marching on, tried to keep her spirits up, but she didn’t want to pretend to be happy when she wasn’t. Couldn’t he see each ornament reminded her of some Christmas when she had bought it with her mother, when they had put it up together?

  
Her father opened the door to her room.

  
“Katie, come join us. Your uncle and aunt would love to have your company. And don’t you want to know what Santa brought you?”

  
Kate watched how a younger version of herself turned her head, eyes blazing with hate.

  
“Did he get me mom back? No? Then he can go and kiss his…”

  
“Katherine Beckett.”

  
Her father was shocked, hurt, and she couldn’t bear looking at him, so she turned back to the family album once more.

  
“Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.”

  
He did. Back then Kate hadn’t faced the music, hadn’t faced him, now she did, saw the look of deep sadness, the trace of moisture in his eyes. He finally closed the door, was gone.

  
Kate took a deep breath. The look on her father’s face made her heart burn, and she turned to the ghost of her mother.

  
“Okay, that hurt. Did you want it to hurt? Damn. Can we go now?”

  
“Hurting is better than being cold, embittered, Katie. To hurt means you are so very alive within. And are you that eager to get rid of me?”

  
With a pang Kate realized that with reminding her of this day, her mother would have done her duty and leave again.

  
“No.  Mom, can’t you stay?”

  
Okay, she might not believe in ghosts, but in this case she would take whatever she could. She reached out for her mother, only to find out her hand went right through her mothers. There was a flash of light, a change of scenery, and Kate blinked a few times.

  
“Where are we?” she mumbled, even though she knew the rooms quite well.

  
This was Castle’s apartment. What were they doing here?

  
“Mom?”

  
“This was the same years later. Just… look.”

  
Kate scanned the room, saw the big, too big tree, almost toppling over with ornaments, saw piles of packages under the tree. In the background there was singing, Martha and a door opened, revealing a younger version of the woman in question.

  
She stopped singing, swirled around in a dance move, facing whoever it was still inside the other room.

  
“Did you know I played a role in A Christmas Carol once?”

  
“Yes, mother,” Castle said, joining her, rolling his eyes behind his mother’s back in an affectionate way.

  
“I was brilliant. I was...”

  
“The ghost of Christmas Come,” a very much younger Alexis said.

  
She looked cute in a green jumper, her red hair bouncing in a ponytail. She all but ran into the room with childlike exuberance although her eyes showed the wisdom beyond her years.

  
“Look, Santa got something for you.”

  
This time it was Alexis who rolled her eyes without Castle and his mother able to see.

  
“Who else?” she said cheerfully, sitting down to unwrap the first gift.

  
Castle said down beside her on the ground, touching her shoulder which made Alexis look up at him.

  
“Listen, I’m sorry your mom couldn’t be here today.”

  
Alexis shook her head. “I doesn’t matter. I… miss her, I

would have loved for her to be here. But I have you, and for as long as I have you, Christmas will be perfect.”  
Kate had seen enough, turned her back to the homely scene. Her Christmas could never have been perfect after her mother died, her situation so very much different from Alexis’ but she, too, had had her father. If she had reached out to him, she would have made the whole situation so much easier to bear for the two of them.

  
“I want to go home,” she said to her mother who was waiting patiently.

  
“I know, Katie. I know.”

  
The older woman smiled, stepped closer, reaching out to Kate, and she could almost feel her mother touching her cheek.

  
Another flash, and she was back in her apartment, looking around, afraid her mother was gone. She wasn’t but she stood at the other end of the room, her features dimmed.

  
“Mom…”

  
“Katie, I love you, too. Please go and live your life and be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

  
With that, her mother was gone. After a second of standing still, trying to comprehend what had just happened, she stamped down her foot. This wasn’t fair. She had lost her mother one time. Why was she losing her again now? She wanted to talk to her, snuggle up to her, just be a child loved by her mother once more.

  
They said miracles could happen. She had seen her mother tonight, yet not gotten what she wanted. Would that make it half a miracle? Yes, she was angry, with no means to let go of the wealth of feeling inside her.

  
For many weeks, months, she had been numb, now all the emotions overwhelmed her.  Was it really an improvement when feeling meant that your insides were twisting while your whole body hurt from trying not to lose one’s composure?

  
She wanted to go back to bed and wait to wake up as this could only be a dream. It had to be a dream.  What if it wasn't though? What if there were still two ghosts waiting for her? Ridiculous.

  
She was losing her mind. It was as simple as that. As soon as Christmas was finally over, she’d call her therapist. There had to be something that could be done. Everything but face the truth about herself that was.

  
Too awake to even bother trying to sleep, she sat down on her living room couch, wrapped up in a blanket, her TV running, showing some movie she didn’t pay attention to. Instead she looked at her wristwatch at least twice a minute. In the beginning it had been twenty-two minutes until the clock would strike two, now she watched minute after minute creep by, chiding herself for her stupid behaviour.

  
If Castle could see her, he would have a field day with it. Castle... she better didn’t go there, yet, she couldn’t help but think back at the scene she had witnessed. The man was among the most chaotic she had ever met, his mother was even worse, yet, they had made Alexis’s home one filled with love and trust. Just as her parents had.  
Kate doubted there’d ever be a day she didn’t miss her mom, didn’t want to stop missing her. It would be nice if the wound of her absence didn’t hurt so much, though, if she could finally put this part of her life to rest and heal. Five minutes left. Geez, maybe she should put on some clothes, head back to the precinct.  Would a ghost follow her if it didn’t find her here, would it dare to follow her to the precinct. She rubbed her tired eyes, wished she could stop her train of thoughts.

  
Finally. Two a.m. She sat with her back rigid, her eyes darting around the room and when nothing happened for a few seconds, she let out a relieved breath.

  
“Does it mean you’re not going to shoot me again?”

  
The voice sent a shiver of terror down her back, while hate so intense it made her breath catch twisted her guts. Slowly she turned to face Dick Coonan, the man who had shot her mother, the one she had shot later on so he wouldn’t kill Castle.

  
He looked as he had the day she killed him, dressed in a suit, a calm expression on his face. Only that his arms were handcuffed behind his back. One would think a ghost couldn’t kill her but she still liked the fact he would be seriously impaired if he tried.

  
“Coonan, don’t tell me you’re the ghost they sent to me.”

  
“One could consider it a joke, don’t you think?”

  
She counted to three before she could lose her temper and... she didn’t know what she would do, wasn’t keen on finding out though.

  
“You know, I don’t want to know whatever it is you want to show me. Just leave me the hell alone.”

  
He smiled. “If it were only that easy. Believe me, I wasn’t keen on this assignment either.”

  
“Poor you. Tell me , did you end up in heaven or hell? Or is it purgatory? Although I can imagine they wouldn’t want to have you down there either. “

  
“You are so very bitter, Kate. It doesn’t suit you.”

  
"How about you leave before I’ll try to shoot you again?”

  
She was proving him right, yet she couldn’t stop the words from leaving her mouth.

  
“How about we get this business behind us and go back to our own ways?” he said.

  
“Which would be? You should be rather dead, after all.”

  
Of all the people it could have been, did it have to be this man, the very one who had sent her to the point she now was, frustrated with her life, basically getting nowhere while being eaten alive by the wish for revenge.  
She knew although he had been the one to actually murder her mom, he wasn’t the one who had wanted her mother dead. Feeling calm all of sudden, she spoke out.

  
“You know, now that you are here, why don’t you tell me who hired you to kill my mother?”

  
He smiled, a little sadly, shook his head.

  
“You are smarter than to think this could actually work.”

  
He moved faster than she could comprehend, and before she had the slightest chance to react, he touched her wrist, and her surroundings changed once again.

  
Confused, she looked around, finding herself at a place she had never been before. It was a dark kitchen. She could look out into a corridor, a door slightly open at its end. There was a sliver of light, voices but it all made no sense to her.

  
“Where are we?” she whispered, which was stupid as no one could hear her. They were alone in the kitchen, and she wasn’t really here anyway, was she?

  
“Follow me and you will see.”

  
There was nothing to be gained with refusing him, even if every part of her was primed for fight. Her therapist had told her she had to let go of all the bottled-up negative feelings inside her, but she doubted he’d ever come face to face with the murderer of his mother.

  
Her companion moved out of the kitchen, into the corridor, and after a second of hesitation, she followed him.

Why had he brought her into the kitchen and not into the living room when whatever he wanted to show her was in there?

  
It became apparent as soon as he opened the door a little further.

  
Inside a rather small living room were two people, sitting on the couch beside a Christmas tree. They were looking at each other with love in their eyes, and the man reached out to touch the woman’s cheek before leaning in to kiss her. Kate’s stomach clenched, and she gritted her teeth before she could scream out. This was her father, and she had no idea who the woman was. Her hands balled into fists, but there was nothing and no one she could use them on.

  
“Why did you bring me here?” she asked.

  
“This is your father this very year,” Coonan said instead of answering her. “Look at him. Doesn’t he look happy, relaxed.”

  
Indeed. How could he? Damn him.

  
“You shouldn’t think like that.”

  
"Are you kidding me?”

  
She turned her back to the view of her father kissing another woman.

  
“You have no idea what I’m thinking.”

  
“I do,” Coonan said. “But… don’t you want your father to be happy?”

  
“I do, but…”

  
“Don’t you think it’s time he moved on?”

  
“I… no, I mean…”

  
“Kate. Your mother is dead. Would you really want your father to suffer for the rest of his life, to be alone and miserable?”

  
No, she didn’t, but she wasn’t ready to see him with another woman, either. She knew he had dated a few women over the years, but they had had an agreement of don’t ask, don’t tell, and Kate had been sure it had never been serious. This though, looked pretty damned serious.

  
God. Damn. Yes, she wanted her father to be happy, no, she wasn’t ready to deal with it.

  
“I want to go. Now.”

  
“Sure. But you know that you can run but not hide, don’t you? This is reality. This is happening, and it won’t go away only because you close your eyes. Life will move forward, with or without you.”

  
She shook her head, denying the truth of his words.

  
“I still want to go.”

  
A sad smile, another unwanted touch, and she was at a place she knew so very well once more. A place nicely decorated, full of Christmas cheer that she couldn’t feel.

  
Castle. It seemed all the roads led back to Castle. Here, it seemed to be the middle of the night, as the apartment was eerily quiet. Still there was light, and she saw him almost at once, sitting at his computer.  
For a moment she wasn’t sure what was so different about this situation but then it hit her. Castle was actually still, nearly motionless, something that was more or less unheard of. He was always gesticulating, talking, in movement. It wasn’t like him to be all quiet. It wasn’t what disturbed her most though. The solemn look on his face, it tore at her heart. He looked tired, a bit broken, and it made her wish to go over, rake her hands through his thick hair and pull him close.

  
“Go and take a look.”

  
She had all but forgotten about Coonan.

  
“Take a look?”

  
But she knew what he meant, and with a feeling of dread, she walked over to Castle until she stood right behind him. She wasn’t surprised, yet, it hit her hard to find him staring at a picture of them that had been taken the night the first Nikki Heat novel hit the stores. It shouldn’t make him so sad to look at a picture of them together, should it? Their complicated non-relationship shouldn’t render him immobile, cage him.

  
How much could he stand though? How long would he wait for her.

  
He sighed, clicked the picture shut before shaking his head, getting up. She moved out of the way, although he couldn’t see her.

  
“Useless, so damn, useless,” she heard him mutter.

  
“What’s useless, dear?”

  
She hadn’t heard Martha enter, watched how the older woman walked over, put a hand on his arms.

  
“Nothing is. Go back to bed, mother.”

  
“While you are here moping around. I don’t think so.”

  
“I'm not moping.”

  
“Yes. You are. It’s about Beckett, isn’t it?”

  
“Lately it’s all about Beckett.”

  
“Mother.”

  
“No. I like the girl, I really do, but it hurts to see you suffer through rejection after rejection. You have to move forward, love. This... these feelings, they are wearing you thin. Sometimes, relationships are not meant to happen.”

  
He looked at her in a way telling Kate Martha had just run another stake through his heart.  There was no doubt he agreed with her though. He should. Martha was right.  She wasn’t good for him.  The thought of losing him though... she couldn’t fathom it.

  
“I’m tired, mother. Good night.”

  
“Good night, son. And, please, think about what I said. I miss the old you, and I know Alexis does, too.”

  
 She watched him walk out of the room, most likely to go to bed, and she wished she could follow him, offer him comfort.

  
What was it between the two of them? So often she had thought they were meant to be, then, there had been times when she seriously doubted it. It had happened more than once that wrong timing had stood in their way. She lively remembered the time when she had broken up with Will, wanted to talk to Castle about her feelings, only to learn he had gotten back with his ex Gina.

  
Now he wasn’t with his ex, had told her he loved her, still, she was unable to make that one step that could merge their paths.

  
“There’s nothing more to see here,” Coonan’s voice interrupted her musings.

  
“I still want to kill you.”

  
“Too bad. I’m already dead.”

  
She smiled. “And the good thing is you’ll remain dead while I’m free to live my life.”

  
“But you aren’t doing it, which is why I am here in the first place.”

  
He moved, and they were back at her apartment. She stood beside her couch, he was a few feet away.

  
“You won’t want to listen to me, I know, but Katherine, use this chance, this life given to you. You’ll be dead soon enough.”

  
He turned his back, his sinister words chilling. Was he talking about the fact everyone had to die or was he referring to something he knew but she didn’t? She hugged herself as the room felt too cold all of sudden.   
“I’m losing my mind,” she said to herself as she walked over to her kitchen, intent to brew herself some coffee. While she had been stone-cold sober since the moment the first ghost waltzed into her apartment, she needed the caffeine, if only because sleep wasn’t an option any longer.

  
Would there really be one more ghost? She didn’t think she could take more of this.  It wasn’t as if anyone cared she was losing her mind, and if she was honest with herself, she had brought this onto herself. While she waited for the coffee maker to be finished, wishing she had such a fancy machine Castle had gifted the precinct with, she looked at the clock at the wall. Another nine minutes. The coffee better hurried up or it would end up cold because she’d be busy. The thought made her roll her eyes at herself.

  
Who could haunt her now anyway? Whose appearance could be more shocking than the ones of her former mentor, her mother and the man who had killed her? Would it be as it was in the original story, that she’d learn she would die soon? Well, she might. Cops lived dangerous, and looking into the death of her mother was the most dangerous thing of them all.

  
The coffee maker beeped, announcing it was finished, but reaching for it, she froze with her hand in mid-air. The ghosts had been right. She wasn’t ready to die, not before she had lived, not before she had the chance to find out if she and Castle...

  
Wasn’t it the one thing, the one constant that had made her go one after she was shot? The knowledge there was something waiting for her on the other side of depression and revenge. Now these apparitions were warning her time might not be as plentiful as she thought it was.

  
She laughed out, the sound harsh in the still surroundings. Okay, she got it. She understood. If she wanted her life to change for the better, she had to make it happen, to finally own up to her feelings, let go of the bitterness.   
Now the whole ghost thing was superfluous, right? She would talk to Castle tomorrow and set things straight, that was if he didn’t find any blonde to keep him company within the next few hours. The clock struck two.

  
“You know, I’m not all that much into blondes. I prefer a feisty brunette.”

  
She whipped around, surprised and shocked to see Castle. It was him, but as the ghosts before him, his whole apparition wasn’t solid.

  
“What the fuck? Castle, what are you doing here? You can’t be a ghost. You are alive. I saw you only a few minutes ago, well, kinda saw you. You’re not dead.”

  
Castle smiled, but it was one of those sad ones that always tore at her heart.

  
“Not yet.”

  
“What is this supposed to mean not yet? You are not dead. And you’re going to stay not dead, you hear me?”  
Her voice had raised but she didn’t care. While she seldom bothered to concern herself with her own safety, she couldn’t deal with the thought Castle might end up hurt.  

  
“It means that things happen.”

  
He ran a hand through his hair. By all means, he shouldn’t look so wary.  She made a step into his direction but he held out a hand.

  
“Don’t. Just... don’t.”

  
His rejection hurt.

  
“Why not? Castle, talk to me. What happened? I don’t understand.”

  
“You know what it means. You’re a smart woman, Beckett. And... I don’t want to touch you as it would hurt not to be able to feel your touch.”

  
Dead? Really? Castle was dead? Would be dead? Thoughts were racing through her mind but nothing wanted to make sense.

  
“I feel like I should tell you I’m sorry.”

  
“Don’t. Words won’t change a thing now.”

  
“But I thought now that I finally understood, that...,” she trailed off.

  
Even now she was unable to tell him what they both needed to hear.

  
“The future’s not set in stone, so you can still influence it with altering your behaviour. It’s in your hands. But... what do I know? I only used to be a lowly writer.”

  
She felt the intense wish to slap him.

  
“You’re not a lowly writer. You’re...,” she was unable to finish the sentence.

  
He sighed.

  
“Come on. There’s nothing to be gained with lingering here.”

  
“I...”

  
“Don’t tell me you’re not up for a little excitement, Beckett.”

  
“That’s not it. But... you have to live, for Alexis, your mother. They need you.”

  
She knew she had hurt him when his expression darkened.

  
“You can’t mourn facts. Or let’s say all mourning in the world won’

t change a thing. You can’t ignore the cards dealt to you, Kate. You have to live with them and make the best out of it.”

  
“I know. I understand. Castle, I do, really...”

  
“Do you? Are you sure?”

  
He shook his head.

  
“Anyway, it's time we were on our way.”

  
This time it was he who bridged the distance between them. He reached out, and the moment he would have touched her hand, reality changed once more.

  
“Where are we?” she asked Castle, for the moment unable to see in the dark. Castle didn’t answer, and he didn’t need to as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she saw they were on a cemetery.

  
“No...,” she began.

  
“Yes. Come on, let’s get this over with. Believe me, I can think of funnier things to do myself.”

  
She followed him, realised something was pricking her skin. Looking up, she realised it had begun to snow.

  
“What day is today?” she asked her eerily silent companion.

  
“Christmas Day, what else?”

  
What else.  Wishing she was wearing more than just her jeans and sweater, she crossed her arms, followed Castle the short way to a grave. It was a new one, didn’t have a tombstone yet. If the name on the small wooden cross was a shock the figure sitting on the ground in front of it was even more so.

  
Alexis didn’t see or hear them.  She was lost in her own world, her head bent, snowflakes catching in her hair. Kate doubted Alexis cared. Kate knew how Alexis had to feel, and she knew there were no words, no deed to make this right.

  
“She’ll catch a cold, and damn, she shouldn’t be here after dark.” Becket said, turning to Castle.

  
He wasn’t reacting but looking at his daughter with an expression on his face breaking Kate’s heart. To see one’s own daughter grieving for one, she could only imagine how awful this had to feel.

  
“Castle. Castle, listen to me.”

  
He finally looked at her but his face was void of emotion.

  
“Let’s go. Just... let’s go.”

  
This time he didn’t try stopping her when she walked over, tried to touch him. The change of scenery was welcome, even though they weren’t back at her apartment, but in his. It took her a moment to understand what was different this time but then she realised there were no decorations at all. The rest of New York might be celebrating Christmas, but no one in the Castle household did. Well, why should they?

  
She wondered why they were here.  They had already seen Castle’s grave, Alexis in mourning. Kate turned to her companion, lost for words. What had happened that it would have taken this man way before his time? She was about to ask him when a quiet sob alerted her to the fact they weren’t alone. Following the noise, she found Martha on the couch. Her face was swollen from crying, her hands held a handkerchief bundled in her hands. Apart of the fact she was crying she didn’t move. As it was true for her son, immobility didn’t come natural to Martha Rodgers. She was the life of the party, the whirlwind waltzing through people’s lives. It was this silent misery making this whole situation even harder to bear.

  
“Castle, I want to go.”

  
“Do you, really?”

  
Even his  voice was hollow now. It gave her pause, yet staying wasn’t an option.

  
“Yes, I do.”

  
“Be careful what you wish for.”

  
She watched with pity heavy on her heart how Martha reached for another tissue, hardly noticed Castle who walked up to her.

  
Her father’s apartment, and here, too, Christmas cheer was entirely missing. She wondered what she would find here, if it was another scene of her father with the unknown woman, although something told her it wasn’t like this. In contrast to Castle’s apartment there were noises. It turned out they were from her father’s television though, only her father wasn’t paying attention to it. Instead he was staring into space, a newspaper in front of him.

  
Kate saw her own picture, one of Castle and looked from her father to the newspaper and back.

  
“Dad?”

  
“He can’t hear you.”

  
“I know.”

  
Knowing she was invisible to the man who had brought her up with so much love and understanding didn’t change the fact, she wished she could reach out to him, tell him everything was okay, would be okay.

  
“Take a look at the newspaper.”

  
She turned from looking at her father to Castle who seemed rather unmoved by everything going on here.  He was miserable, and so were her father, Martha, Alexis and who knew who else.  The worst thing was, it seemed to be her own fault. Her grief, her determination to bring the people behind her mother’s death to justice was what seemed to have driven everyone to misery.

  
With dread in her heart, she walked over to the couch table, kneeled down so she could read the article.  
‘Famous author dies in shoot-out, along with one of New York’s finest.’

  
The article was short but it contained all she needed to know. She had been reckless, had gone after a killer alone. Castle had tried to find her, help her out as he had done countless times before, only this time he was a little too late, the both of them shot by a trigger-happy serial killer.

  
She got up, turned to Castle once more.

  
“What... why...?”

  
He shrugged. “You were still in your... mood. There was this case with a serial killer who killed a woman every fourth day, torturing and drowning them. We finally got a lead that pointed to an abandoned warehouse at the harbour as being the place he killed them. Gates told us to wait for a warrant, but you were suddenly gone. I had an inkling and went to that warehouse, too.”

  
He shook his head.

  
“I still would like to know what you thought you were doing. But to make a long story short. The killer had you by the short hair, literally. I barged in, you could free yourself, you drew your weapon, he did the same. He shot me, you shot him but he managed to shoot you while falling down. The good news was and is, you saved his latest victims, the bad news is you destroyed those of the people who cared for us. I’d like to think it’s a good bargain but I’m not ready to think so yet.”

  
“When did it happen?”

  
“A bit over two weeks ago.”

  
“God, Castle. I am so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I...”

  
He held up his hand.

  
“Don’t. You did hurt me and you knew it. And the worst thing is, I’d like to believe seeing all this misery will mellow your attitude, will make you realise it’s in your hands how you live your life, that you can be happy if you only want to, but I doubt it will happen. You live for revenge. It’s all you can think about, all you care about.”

  
“That’s not true...”

  
“It’s not? Then why are you hurting everyone who is trying to help you, everyone who wants you to be happy.”  
She raised her hands, let them fall again, her mouth opening and closing.

  
“You don’t know?”

  
“It’s not that easy. It’s... after that shooting... it feels as if I’m living in a bubble and everything I see, hear and feel is muted. And I can’t get out. I want to but I can’t.”

  
“Then let the people who care about you help you.”

  
Like a ripple in a pond, the negativity she had felt had spread until it had affected everyone around her.

  
“I will,” she finally said. “I promise, I will.”

  
“I wish I could believe you.”

  
“Then do. I promise I’ll undo this.”

  
She walked up to him even though his face was less than welcoming. Stopping in front of him, she waited until he met her eyes.

  
“I promise, Rick.”

  
She reached out, touched his chest where his heart was and everything around her dissolved.

  
She was back in her apartment, the ghost of Castle gone, and she knew no more ghosts would be forthcoming. If only her hands could stop shaking. Was this true? Was this really what would happen if she didn’t change her life? It was so easy only to see one’s own fear and to forget about the people around one. Only that her behaviour affected the behaviour of the people who loved her.

  
She ran a hand through her hair. What was she supposed to do now? One thing was clear, she wouldn’t let this happen, wouldn't doom her father to misery, Castle to death, taking Alexis’ father, Martha’s son.  Not only that, but there was also a hunger inside of her. She didn’t want to be alone any longer, fight her attractions, her deeper feeling for the most obnoxious man she had ever known.

  
Decision made, she only donned some shoes, a coat and was out of her apartment. It was the middle of the night, she was clearly crazy, yet she couldn’t care less. Life wouldn’t wait for her to make a decision in a timely fashion. It would go on, and if she didn’t leave the path she had chosen, it would end up with tears for some of the best people she knew.

  
She was lucky as a cab passed her and even stopped when she raised her hand to wave it over. To find an empty cab just like that when needed... it was a little Christmas miracle. The driver raised his eyebrow when she gave him Castle’s address, which she couldn’t blame him for, seeing she must look like hell, still he started the car, drove her over without trying to engage her in any small talk.

  
The drive passed too fast and too slow, she didn’t know. The only thing for certain was that she soon found herself in front of the apartment complex where Castle lived. All that she had to do now was to go up and open her heart to the man who had offered his own freely so many times before.

  
“Come on, Beckett, don’t be a chicken,” she chided herself, cursing one last time under her breath before making her way upstairs.  The night porter smiled at her, the elevator was empty and she entered with a hard beating hard and sweating hands.

  
Seeing her right now, one wouldn’t believe she was a homicide cop, used to staring down perps of any kind.  
Knocking at Castle’s door, she actually considered bolting before anyone could open the door.

  
The door was opened, and Kate realised something at once. Although her whole world had changed tonight, Castle’s hadn’t. For all he knew she was still busy being stuck in depression, planning the best approach to solve her mother’s murder.

  
“Beckett, what are you doing here in the wee hours of the night?”

  
He still looked as tired as he had earlier, and she longed to enfold him in her arms, tell him it was okay, they would be okay.

  
Instead she only stood here, unsure what to say or do next. When he realised no answer was forthcoming, he turned, left the door open for her to enter.

  
“You know, I’m really too tired to play any guessing games tonight,” he said.

  
“I... Castle...”

  
He turned to her, and biting her lip, she closed the door, walked toward him, stopping well into his personal space, her gaze locking with his.

  
“Becket, what are you doing here.”

  
“Here in your apartment or right this very moment?”

  
He rolled his eyes at her.

  
“Both. Any?”

  
“I changed. Something inside me changed. I... finally realised I can’t go on like this.”

  
For a second hope flashed in his eyes, then it was gone again. She couldn’t blame him. Too often his hope had been quenched when it came to her.

  
“What are you trying to tell me?”

  
“I’m scared,” she whispered.

  
A tender smile on his face, her hand itching from wanting to trace it with her fingers.

  
“Kate Beckett scared. I’m sure the world just tilted on its axis.”

  
“Maybe it did. It did to me. I... well, you wouldn’t believe this anyway, but I know I can’t go on like this. I want my life to get back on track. I don’t want to deny what is in my heart any longer. “

  
Her throat was suddenly dry, and she had to clear it.

  
“Kate? I... need to hear it.”

  
She knew, and he deserved it.

  
“Okay, yes I know. Here it is: I’m in love with you, and I want us to give a chance.”

  
There, she had said it. The world hadn’t gone up in fire. Now it was up to him.  There was so much emotion in his eyes but in her own troubled state of mind, she couldn’t read it.

  
“Could you pinch me, please,” he finally said, his voice even deeper than usually.

  
“Pinch you? Now that’s not what I expected you to say.”

  
“I... hey, cut me some slack here. I’m not even sure I’m dreaming or not.”

  
If that was his only problem. She reached out, pinched his cheek, not even gently.

  
“Ouch. Okay, I get it this is real. This is real...”

  
The enthusiastic man she knew was back, and before she could even return his smile, he leaned in, sealing her lips with a passionate kiss stealing her very breath. The knot inside her that had accompanied her for so long finally loosened, happiness spreading inside of her the same time desire clouded her mind. She wasn’t quite sure who was clinging to whom, but it seemed as if they almost were one.

  
At the end, they had to part because of the very need of breath.

  
“God, I can’t believe that,” he whispered. “It seems I got my Christmas gift early.”

  
“Does it mean you want to unwrap me?”

  
He swept her up before she had a chance to react.

  
“Yes, I do. I will.”

  
He carried her towards his bedroom.

  
“I have no idea what just happened, but I’m glad it did.”

  
“Call it A Castle Carol,” she said, and he stopped.

  
Their eyes met, and she hoped he could see the same love shining in her eyes she saw in his.

  
“I love you, Rick.”

  
“Love you, too.”

  
A smug grin.

  
“Time to unwrap my own personal gift.”  
  
THE END  
  



End file.
